The Lion's Tears
by Redrum
Summary: COMPLETE: Zell finds out about Squall's problem and he trys to help him. But what if Squall doesn't want help? Slight, Shounenai
1. The Lion's Shed Tears

Chapter 1: The Lion's Shed Tears

Early morning rays swept across his face, making the boy's mouth twitch with the ghost of a smile. The newcomer watched the brunet for a little while longer, savoring the moment like a mental camera. The soles of his red sneakers made no noise as he walked toward the quiet boy.

"What'cha doing?" the blonde asked as he sat beside the solemn boy.

"Thinking," The silent boy replied, in his usual one word answer.

"About what?"

"Nothing."

"Come on Squall, you gotta talk some time, right?" he asked his brooding friend.

"Whatever," Squall quietly replied.

"Come on, don't do this to me. You seem sadder then usual, talk to me, maybe it'll help..." The blonde trailed off as he glanced at his friends face with wide eyes, seeing a single tear streak down Squall's face.

"Why 'ya crying Squall? Did I say something wrong?" he asked, watching in amazement as his friend shed more silent tears. This after all, was only the second time he had seen his friend cry. The first being when his mother died and even then he didn't shed as many tears as he was now.

"I did... I always do."

"I don't understand Squall, you have to talk more than that if you want me to help you." The usually hyper-active boy sat silently, looking at his friend cry helplessly. Afraid that if he touched him the dam would break and Squall would be out of control.

"I'm so screwed up it doesn't matter anymore if someone understands or cares."

"No, don't say that. I care. Quistis, Selphie, Rinoa, heck, even Irvine cares. We've cared forever Squall. But you can't seem to see that. Why... why don't you talk to anyone anymore? Why can't you ask for help?"

Squall stared off towards the calm ocean for a few moments before replying. "Because no one expects the 'Lion of Balamb Garden' to have feelings. And I've followed that example my whole life. Unfortunately, I'm really starting to think that I don't have feelings. I can't seem to smile, to laugh... It's as much of a surprise to me as it is to you for me to finally be able to cry. To actually weep, after all these years of holding it in, after always coming home and..." he trailed off, thinking he had said too much. He saw Zell fidget as the silence became uncomfortable.

"I know it's none of my business, Squall, but what do you do? Please tell me, let me help you." Zell turned his body around to face his friend. He still could see traces of tears down his face and a warning of more to come from the cloudy eyes looking at him now. Squall's eyes seemed to be searching for something in Zell's own electric blue. 'Maybe I'm the one being judged, not him.' When the brunet finally did decide to speak, he had turned his body to face Zell's, but had averted his eyes again towards the sparkling ocean beside them.

"When I come home from another day of deciding who lives and who dies, sending people out on missions, doing meaningless paper work and dealing with Rinoa... I can't take it anymore. The pressure, the eyes on me all the time -- watching. I come home and...hurt myself."

Zell barely caught the last few words before Squall's voice had gone quiet and hurried, as he buried his head in his leather clad hands. Escaped tears falling from between his fingers. He could see Squall's shoulders quiver slightly as he tried to hold back the sobs that were starting to overtake him. Without a second thought, Zell closed the distance between him and the brunet. He pulled Squall to his chest and wrapped his arms around the frail shoulders.

"It's okay to cry baby. Let it all out, I wish that I would have known earlier just how bad you felt about everything. Maybe I could of been able to help..." Zell's voice trailed off as he placed his chin on top of Squall's silky hair. He slowly rocked him back and forth, gradually he felt Squall's breath start to go back to normal. He waited patiently until Squall was able to speak.

"It's not your fault Zell.. No one could have known and I always made sure of that. I thought that if I told someone about my problems they would be disgusted. So you're the only one that knows about 'The Lion's' problem. And... I do want you to help me Zell. I just don't know-"

"Shh. It's okay, 'ya don't have to say anything. I'll try to help 'ya the best I can and I won't tell anyone else about this... if you don't want me to. Just, try not to keep all your emotions bottled up next time, if you need an outlet, then come to me. 'You know I'm here to listen to 'ya anytime 'ya want." Squall lifted his head from Zell's now soaked t-shirt and looked up into his eyes. It looked like he was searching for something again. Disgust? lies? But he appeared satisfied as he set his head back down again.

"You okay now?" Zell asked, breaking the silence after he and Squall had seemed content in just watching the waves together.

"I'm fine." Zell stood up carefully and extended his hand toward Squall. The brunet looked at his hand, as if there might of been a meaning deeper then just helping him up. And maybe there was, he thought, as he looked into Zell's eyes, seeing nothing but loyalty and tenderness. He sighed as he grasped the strong hand that pulled him up easily.

"Remember, use me as an outlet any time 'ya feel like it. Day or night, I don't care if 'ya wake me up in the middle of the night, if you have a problem, or just wanna talk, come straight to me, okay?" Zell smiled as he heard a hint of promise, mixed with happiness, in Squall's reply.

"Whatever."

They left the beautiful scene behind them just as the sun appeared beyond the horizon, the dark clouds of earlier seemed to shrink away from the light, but were not overtaken by it. No one else was witness to the Lion's tears, except for the seagull who sat on top of the pier, watching the two man journey back to the garden, laughing loudly, arms slung over each others shoulders.


	2. Shelter From the Nightmares

Chapter 2: Sheltered from the Nightmares

The following days, after Squall's little 'episode' seemed to go ignored, Zell heard screaming from the room next to his at two in the morning.

Zell rushed to his friend' room and yanking the door open (luckily Squall had left it unlocked) he found Squall thrashing in his bed, his eyes tightly closed, sweat mixed with tears streaming down his pale face. Zell knelt down beside his friend and gently shook his shoulders to wake him from his nightmare.

Squall sat up sharply, a scream piercing the silent room. His eyes franticly searching the room. After a few shaky breaths, he seemed to realize he was still in his room as his shoulders slumped forward and his head fell into the palms of his sweaty hands. Zell had sat there quietly, waiting for his friend to calm down until he finally placed a hand on the brunet's back which tensed immediately upon contact.

Squall looked up, meeting the caring face of Zell as his breathing gradually slowed. "Why are you here?" Squall's face reddened faintly, assuming his friend had witnessed yet another one of his breakdowns.

"I heard 'ya screaming and when I came over here to see if you were okay or not, it looked like you were having a nightmare..." Zell trailed off, silently asking what the nightmare had been about.

Squall looked down, embarrassed, his voice barely audible as he explained. "I dreamt that I cut myself so much, that I couldn't stop bleeding, and I... died. I know it's weird because usually if someone cuts themselves then they want to die right? But it's not like that... I just don't know what to do anymore and this just seems like the most logical way out...

"Anyway, when I died, I found out that everyone ended up talking about me in past tense, like I had always feared. But after a while they just... forgot. If someone brought up my name they answered, 'Squall who?' and when they did remember, they remembered me for the wrong reasons. 'Oh, you mean the Ice Prince?' and 'The boy who killed himself?' I never wanted to seem like I cared about what people thought about me, but in truth, I think I cared more then anyone else.

"I cared so much I ended up hurting myself, more and more each day. When someone would call me one of Seifer's stupid nicknames, Lionheartless and Puberty Boy. I know it's immature, but I just can't help worrying about what people think of me. I don't want to, but I can't help it. And these nightmares seem get worse and worse. Piling up on each other until I wake up screaming, sometimes I can manage to quiet my screams by stuffing my head into the pillow, or just by cutting myself. That's why I always have a knife by my bed, in case I wake up screaming."

Zell silently got up onto the bed with Squall and put his arms around the boy, as though it was common to do such a thing.

"Where is it?" he asked the scarred boy, searching the room with his eyes, trying to find a silver glint that would aid in his findings.

"What?"

"The blade? Where is the knife that you keep by your bed?" there was a long moment of silence till Squall answered.

"It's in the second drawer, underneath the papers." He answered reluctantly.

Zell eased his left arm to the side of the bed, trying not to jostle the boy out of his embrace. He clumsily opened the drawer, shuffling loose paper around until he held what he was looking for. He didn't bother closing the drawer as he slipped the large closed pocket knife in his sock, making sure it wouldn't fall out.

"Why?" Squall timidly asked as he watched the boy's actions.

Zell gently pulled his friend around so he was face to face with the brunette. "Promise me something?" his question held no room for debate.

Squall's eyes widened as he saw the emotions floating around in the blonde's electric blue eyes. Tenderness, passion, strength --love? 'No impossible, not for me. No one could love me.'

"I want you to promise me you'll never do this again. I want you to honestly say that you will stop cutting. I want you to promise that you will come to me if any of your problems seem too much and you can't think of any other solution besides hurting yourself in anyway. Promise me?"

Squall was surprised as his friend's speech lost its usual slang, sounding almost like he really cared what Squall was about to say. As though he would do something drastic if Squall ended up cutting himself again. And he really believed he would, even threaten his own life to make sure that Squall never hurt himself again. And he never would if it ended up making Zell happy, he would do anything to see the blonde smile again.

"I promise." Zell's smile brightened up the room, as though the sun had already come up from the horizon, the blonde hugged his friend till Squall couldn't breath anymore. Zell laughed, a deep booming laugh that made even Squall's mouth twitch with happiness.

"No one is ever gonna hurt 'ya again, not if I can help it. And I'll make damn-well sure that 'ya keep your promise too." Zell smiled again as Squall held onto him like a life line. Both boys not wanting to let go, quietly sat there as the sun peeked up from beneath the forest line, casting the room in a strange candle-like glow, deepening the shadows in the corners. They both shut their eyes, their breathing almost matched, as each of them fell into a peaceful sleep, both smiling as dreams of the other plagued their minds.


	3. Controlling Ones Own Life

Chapter 3: Controlling ones own Life

When Zell finally woke up, he found himself cold and alone. He looked around the dark room, not finding anything out of the ordinary, except a faint beam of light coming from underneath the bathroom door.

Fearing the worst, he rushed to the door and flung it open, immediately, he spotted his best friend sitting in the corner of the room sobbing. Zell searched the room for any indication of blood or sharp objects, seeing none in reach of the boy, he crouched down in front of the sobbing brunet.

"Squall, what happened?" placing a hand on Squall's shoulder, he waited for his friend to console in him.

"I... wanted rel -" breathtaking sobs over took his voice, making the rest of his sentence inaudible. Zell picked the boy up, straining against the weight, he carried Squall to the disheveled bed. He gently sat them both down, leaning against the headboard, he waited for Squall to continue.

"I don't think I can control it anymore. I --have to do it, if I don't..." Squall's voice trailed off as he nestled his head in the crook of Zell's neck, crying softly.

"What do 'ya think will happen if you don't do it Squall?" Zell waited patiently for his friend to start talking again as he rubbed small circles onto Squall's back, trying to bring his quite sobs to a minimum.

"If I don't do it... I can't control anything anymore." Zell waited for Squall to complete his confession, but only finding silence, he took the brunet's face in his, red rimmed eyes staring into his own clear.

"What won't you control anymore? I think 'ya lost me." Zell smiled as he saw his friend frown slightly, thinking of what to say to answer his question.

"If I don't - cut myself - I won't be able to control something. All these years I've had people mold me into what they want, taking my silence to mean so many things. So... a couple of years ago I thought if I did this, then I could finally be able to control something in my life again. Even if I am making myself into a human tic-tack-toe board, I still feel like I've accomplished something every time I cut myself. And I know that sounds incredibly stupid, but that's how I always felt." Squall searched his friend's face for some kind of reaction, baffled slightly when he found Zell smiling softly.

"It's not stupid, baby. Many people feel the same way, but they chose to express those feelings other ways. Some people end up being anorexic, or bulimic. Or sometimes they take less drastic measures, like... sometimes you see people that seem like control freaks. And that's exactly why they do it, they think that they control something in their lives. When really they're so unsure of themselves they don't know what the hell they're doing. But cutting yourself up... into a human 'tic-tack-toe board' as you called it, shouldn't be an option. You can control things in your life without damaging yourself to do it. Next time you feel someone is trying to control your life just tell them... to go to hell! Or something like that!"

Zell's booming laughter filled the room's silence. Squall chuckled slightly, but his smile faded as he thought over what Zell had said. So maybe he could control things in his life... Zell did, he was definitely no pushover. But could he? Maybe if he spoke up more when he felt that someone was pressuring him into something he didn't want to do, or went against his morals... then he could just decline. How did Zell make it look so easy? Was there some kind of secret to it? Why the hell was he thinking so much? Zell's laughter interrupted him from his train of thought.

"What?" Squall tilted his head slightly, a lock of brown hair falling over his eyes as he looked at the blonde.

"'Ya just looked so serious all of a sudden. Like 'ya were really thinking over what I said, as though 'ya might actually plan on doing it." Zell smiled as he tucked Squall's hair behind his ear, his knuckle grazing Squall's smooth skin. "And I hope ya do... Hey! If anyone gives 'ya any trouble, 'ya come straight to me and I'll get them good!" Squall chuckled as he saw his friend almost go into his shadow boxing position, nearly making them both fall onto the floor.

"Well... you know what I mean." Zell blushed as he noticed his friend laughing at him. "But you'll try to do that, right? I mean, taking control of your life without hurting yourself?" Zell's face turned serious as he waited for his friend to answer. Now it was Squall's turn to laugh as he saw his friend frown slightly.

"Definitely. Maybe someday I won't be as much of a pushover as you." Squall smiled as he saw Zell's face go slack.

"I am not a pushover!" Zell jumped up, forgetting that Squall was sitting on his lap, he lost his balance as he and the brunet fell to the floor. Zell saw his friend hunch over with laughter, as he too, soon joined him. Both laughing at his outburst.

When their laughter had subsided, they finally managed to sit up straight, looking into each others faces again, they smiled. Squall found that he finally had a close friend that would be behind him all the way, to save him if he decided to harm again and to make him laugh if he didn't. Zell found that he had finally managed to make 'The Lion' laugh and had saved someone from themselves. Both their futures held promise as they burst into laughter again, their happiness filling the air, until people outside the dorm found themselves wanting to smile too at the innocent laughter that appeared to be missing from their serious lives.


	4. The Lion's True Self?

Chapter 4: The Lion's True Self?

The cool summer breeze flowed through his hair, water from the nearby surf trailed down his sculpted chest. He surveyed his surroundings from his position on the beach towel.

Selphie was waving her arms around from her position in the water (only her head and arms showing) for Irvine to give back her yellow bikini-top, Quistis was reading a book while she tried to tan in her pink one piece. And from the corner of his eye, he saw Rinoa pestering Squall to get into the water with her, he couldn't help sweep his gaze over Squall's beautiful body.

The brunet was wearing black swimming trunks that looked like they had just been bought recently, his Griever pendent still rested against his pale skin that was starting to turn darker and his body was glistening from sun screen and sweat. Zell shook his head, trying to get the unwanted pictures in his mind to go away.

They had all decided to go to the beach today, for a well needed rest from the SeeD life. So far they all appeared to be having fun, except for Squall who sat on the rocks with Rinoa practically all over him. The blonde got up, finally deciding to save his friend from the clutches of the 'demon'.

"Hey Rinoa!" the three turned quickly, seeing Selphie, who had finally gotten her bikini top back, waving her arms from the water.

"Come swim with us!" Rinoa smiled, as she skipped over to join the petite girl.

Squall exhaled in relief, finally being away from Rinoa, he turned back to the ocean admiring the view he had not been able to with Rinoa clinging on to him.

"Hey, you okay?" Zell asked, as he went to sit beside his friend.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Squall didn't turn to see his friend, but his eyes took in Zell from the corner of his vision. Sweat, mixed with sunscreen, was dripping down the boy's chiseled chest and stomach, droplets slowly disappear into midnight blue trunks and unknown territory. Squall was surprised to see no other traces of tattoos, or piercing on the boy's compact body.

A faint blush covered the brunet's cheeks as he found the blonde was looking at his arms.

Zell had been expecting to see scars when he looked at the boy's arms, but seeing none his gaze flickered to Squall's question.

"Makeup. I found out how to cover them up by using Rinoa's powder. That's why you don't usually see me without my bomber, because I don't like using anything of Rinoa's." Squall answered Zell's unspoken question.

"Why y'all so serious?" Irvine had come up behind them and slung his arms around their shoulders.

Squall shrugged off the arm, answering in his usual one word monotone. "Whatever."

Zell looked at Squall, wondering why he had suddenly became so cold. "It's really none of your business, Kinneas."

Irvine placed his hand over his chest, pretending to be wounded. "Aww, y'all hurt my feelings. And here I am out of the goodness of my heart, about to ask y'all to go swimming with us."

Zell looked over at Squall, wondering what the boy's answer would be. He really wanted to go swimming, but he also didn't want to leave him alone.

"Whatever." Squall got up, walking down to where the girls were.

Irvine and Zell watched his retreating back. "Man, what's with him?" Irvine looked over to the blonde who also looked puzzled.

"I don't know..." Zell got up to join their friends, Irvine right beside him as he muttered.

"Just being himself!"

Zell and the rest of the gang had fun laughing and joking around for the rest of the day until it was time to leave. But Irvine's comment had bugged him for the rest of the day.

'Just being himself!' Zell had watched Squall occasionally, seeing how he reacted to the others.

It looked like the brunet returned to his usual cold self around others, but those nights when Zell had been holding Squall and he had seen him cry even.... It really made him think.

Who was Squall really? How many personalities could one guy have?


	5. An Onslaught Of Emotions

Chapter 5: An Onslaught of Emotions

Eyes closed in concentration, Lionheart held at the ready, chest heaving as the brunet fought to breathe, pools of sweat trailing down his face. Leather pants clinging in all the right places, bomber jacket carefully folded and placed on a nearby rock.

No words could come to mind that would describe the warrior's grace, control, precision, talent, and beauty.

As the boy looked on in wonder, the fighter had started a new series of parries and blocks. The brunet looked as though he were fighting a series of enemies, or maybe it was the boy's own demons come to haunt him again.

The blonde made his way over to the valiant fighter. Being swift on his feet, the brunet didn't hear him until a rock had been moved. Turning around swiftly, the gunblade made a smooth arc to decapitate the monster that had snuck up on him. The blonde saw this coming just in time as he ducked, seeing wisps of golden hair fall into his vision.

"Zell!" when Squall had finally opened his eyes, he saw the blonde kneeling before him, narrowly missing the deadly blow of his blade. The brunet sheathed his precious Lionheart, crossing his arms as he looked at Zell with a glint of impatience in his eyes for being disturbed.

"Jeez, nearly cut my head off why don't'ca?" the martial artist sprang from his previous kneeling position with astounding grace. Sheepishly scratching the back of his head as he saw the look Squall was giving him.

"What is it?" Squall smirked in amusement as he watched the boy fidget underneath his icy glare. 'Can't I ever get some peace around here to train?'

Zell relaxed again, seeing how the brunet was just joking. As he fidgeted again, his electric blue eyes swept over Squall's muscular body. Sweat was glistening over the boy's arms, making his biceps well-defined. A small bead of sweat trailed down the boys tense chest.

"Zell?" what's wrong with him? Why is he so fidgety? 'I'm not that bad am I?'

The blond's eyes snapped back up to meet cloudy blue. "I wanted to talk to you about something..." His voice trailing off, waiting for the brunet's response.

'What now?' Squall thought impatiently, unfolding his arms he walked over to the large rock that was a short distance away, picking up his precious jacket and started out of the Training Centre.

"You coming or not?" he called over his shoulder, hearing Zell's footsteps as he jogged to catch up to him. They walked the rest of the way to Squall's dorm room in silence.

Reaching his room, he activated the lock with voice command. "Squall Leonhart, student number 2639."

"Access granted." The door swished open, activated by the monotone voice. Squall walked in, placing his jacket in the closet, he turned around and found Zell still standing by the closed door.

"You wanted to talk?" Zell looked at his surroundings, taking in the plain walls with no posters or other pictures lining his own room. Squall's room held barely anything, except for a bed, gunblade case, desk and dresser, and the bathroom door to his right. He snapped back to attention as he heard his friend speak.

"Oh, yeah..." The blonde walked over to the cherry wood desk, sitting in the well used chair.

"Well, do you think it could wait ten minutes? I really need a shower."

Zell nodded again, watching Squall head into the bathroom shutting the door behind him. As he heard the shower running, he got up and curiously walked around the room. This guy has like, no personal possessions. The only things that looked to be personal in the room were the gunblade case, with an expertly crafted silver lion's head that was molded into the black gunblade case, that was now holding the infamous Lionheart. The other thing being the assortment of books lining the dresser's top. It looked like he was ready to pack up and leave at any moment.

He looked up in surprise as he heard the bathroom door open and out stepped the most beautiful sight that had yet to be seen till this very moment.

Squall's hair was more out of control then usual, droplets still clinging helplessly to the ends of the chestnut locks, water trailing down the boy's chest. He watched one in particular that started down the side of of the brunet's porcelain face, trailing down the maze that was Squall's chest.

Muscle stood out as the water pooled up in all the right places, making it appear as though the boy had more then he really did. Old battle wounds stood out on the pale skin that had yet to stay golden for more then a day's time. The water was being caught by the fluffy blue towel that was tied loosely on the boy's narrow hips. Zell's eyes widened as he saw the many scars that flowed up and down Squall's arms. One in particular stood out among the others because it looked to be fairly fresh, and hadn't even begun to scab over.

Zell crossed the room quickly, roughly taking Squall's muscular arm in his hands. "This is new isn't it?" he asked, his voice barely restrained as he pointed to the particular fresh cut.

"No." The brunet put his head down in shame, staring at the floor intently.

"Don't lie to me Squall. I know it is. I thought you promised to stop all of this? Was that just a lie too? Don't you see I want to help you?" Zell dropped the arm roughly and placed his hands on Squall's face, forcing him to look into the his eyes.

"I can't stop this, Zell. No one can help me. Not even you." Cloudy eyes starting to glisten, as unshed tears collected in them.

"Is it because I can't help you, or is it because you don't want to help yourself? No one can help you unless you want to save yourself. So it comes down to two things. Do you want to get better? Or do you just want to carry on living like this?"

Squall stayed silent as his friend searched his face. Tears were now being shed freely as the brunet looked down again. Closing himself off from the blonde, from the world. Zell's heart broke as he felt a wall begin to build itself between him and Squall. He stared sadly at his friend, his own tears threatening to shed, but he promised himself silently that there would be enough time to weep once he was alone.

"Is this how it's going to be? I still want to help you Squall, but if you don't say anything then I'm going to walk out that door and I might never come back. No one else is going to be this patient or caring with your emotions ever again. Is this really what you want? Please, Squall, answer me!" Zell was now shaking the brunet roughly by the shoulders. He stopped suddenly, as though just realizing what he had been doing.

Zell searched Squall's face again, trying to see anything that would make him stay. But a veil had folded around the boy, no emotions showing but the brunet's silent tears. Zell sighed as he let Squall go and slowly walked toward the door. His shoulders slumped in defeat and heartache. He placed his hand on the brass knob, turning it slowly with what little strength he had left, he started to leave the room, but as an afterthought, turned to look at the brunet, thinking that it might be the last time he got to see his friend. Squall was still in the same spot he had left him in, unheard sobs shaking his body. But the boy still refused to to look at him.

Zell turned around quickly, shutting the door, as his own tears were shed. He shuffled quietly to his room, leaving behind happy memories, forgotten childhood dreams and a soon to be forgotten friend. Or was it forgotten lover?

A whole new explosion of emotions consumed him again, threatening to make him collapse on the spot. He rushed the rest of the way to his dorm room, barely able to voice his command for the lock. He threw himself onto the bed, uncontrollable sobs going through his body. His pillow was damp in no time as a series of never ending tears streamed down his grief and pain stricken face. He felt like he would never stop crying as he grabbed the photo that was resting on his night stand. He looked at it for a long time, tears blurring his vision so much he could barely make out the two figures that were standing there.

The brunet held the blonde in his arms, the excuse from the blonde being a sprained ankle. The smaller boy being held was laughing merrily as he stared into his friend's face. The brunet was scowling fiercely, but a light of happiness was resting in his grey-blue eyes.

They both looked so happy in the picture that Zell broke into sobs again. Would he ever be this happy again? Would Squall ever open up again to the blonde? Only time would tell.

Only time.

End.


End file.
